When Team Members Don't Get Along: The Manager's Mediation Toolkit

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Let me tell you about a conversation I never thought I'd have to have as a leader.

I was sitting in my office with two grown adults, both competent, experienced employees, who were acting like middle schoolers fighting over who copied whose homework. The tension was so thick you could cut it with a knife. They wouldn't make eye contact. They were interrupting each other. And I was sitting there thinking, "I did not get a degree and work my way up through the ranks to referee playground disputes between people who have mortgages and retirement accounts."

But here we were.

Welcome to one of the most awkward, uncomfortable, and unfortunately common challenges you'll face as a manager: what do you do when team members just don't like each other?

The History You Don't Want to Know

"I'm their manager, not their therapist."

Here's the thing about workplace conflicts: there's usually some sort of history. Maybe they went to the same high school and didn’t get along back then. Maybe one of them got a promotion the other wanted. Maybe their kids played on the same sports team and there was drama. Maybe they're neighbors and one of them has a dog that won't stop barking. Maybe they just have personalities that clash like plaid and stripes.

What is it? I don't know. And honestly? I probably don't want to.

I'm their manager, not their therapist. I'm not here to unpack childhood trauma or mediate divorce proceedings or adjudicate who should have gotten that promotion five years ago. That's not my job, and frankly, diving into the personal history rabbit hole rarely helps and often makes things worse.

What I DO need is for them to figure out how to be professional adults while they're at work.

The "Keep Them Apart" Strategy

Keeping co-workers separated may be a short term solution

Your first instinct when two employees don't get along might be to just keep them separated. Different shifts, different projects, different areas of responsibility. Problem solved, right?

Sometimes this works. Sometimes you have the flexibility to arrange schedules and assignments in ways that minimize their interaction. If the conflict isn't affecting their work and keeping them apart is feasible, great. Take the easy win.

But let's be real: sometimes it doesn't work. Sometimes your team is small enough that everyone has to work together. Sometimes the nature of the work requires collaboration. Sometimes keeping them apart creates more problems than it solves because you're essentially letting two people dictate how you run your entire operation.

And that's not acceptable.

The Come to Jesus Conversation

"Personal feelings don't get to trump professional obligations."

I've actually had to have this talk before with two people. Multiple times, in fact. It goes something like this:

"Look, I don't care why you don't like each other. Maybe you have excellent reasons. Maybe one of you wronged the other terribly. Maybe you both have legitimate grievances. I'm not here to judge who's right or who started it or who's the bigger problem. But here's what I do care about: inside these premises, you will act professionally."

Is it blunt? Yes. Is it uncomfortable? Absolutely. Is it necessary? You bet.

Because here's the reality: personal feelings don't get to trump professional obligations. Whatever happened between them, whatever their issues are, they don't get to bring that dysfunction into the workplace and make it everyone else's problem.

What Professional Actually Means

When I say "act professionally," I'm not asking them to be best friends. I'm not asking them to go to happy hour together or follow each other on Instagram or exchange holiday cards. I'm asking for something much simpler and yet somehow much harder: basic workplace civility.

Regardless of personal feelings, you must act professionally

Professional means:

• You respond to their emails and messages in a timely manner

• You share information they need to do their job

• You're polite in group settings

• You don't talk trash about them to other team members

• You collaborate on projects when necessary without sabotaging the work

• You keep your personal feelings in check during work hours

That's it. That's the bar. And it's not actually that high when you think about it.

The Group Impact

"The people who show up, do their jobs, and treat their colleagues with respect shouldn't have to suffer because two people can't get their act together."

Here's what people in conflict often forget: their drama doesn't exist in a vacuum. The rest of the team notices. The rest of the team feels the tension. The rest of the team has to navigate around their dysfunction.

When two team members can't get along, it affects:

• Team morale: Everyone's walking on eggshells trying not to set off either of them

• Productivity: People waste time gossiping about the conflict or trying to avoid getting caught in the middle

• Communication: Important information gets lost because people won't talk to each other

• Decision-making: The team can't function effectively when key members won't collaborate

• Your time: You're spending hours managing their conflict instead of doing your actual job

And you know what? That's not fair to anyone. The people who show up, do their jobs, and treat their colleagues with respect shouldn't have to suffer because two people can't get their act together.

A manager's Mediation Toolkit

When you have to deal with these types of solutions, you need a full toolbox.

So what do you actually DO when team members are in conflict? Here's what's worked for me:

Step 1: Address It Early

Don't wait until it's a full-blown crisis. The moment you notice tension affecting work, address it. The longer you let it fester, the worse it gets and the harder it is to resolve.

Step 2: Meet with Them Together

Resist the urge to handle this through separate conversations. That just creates a "he said, she said" situation where you're playing telephone. Get them in a room together (with you as the mediator) and have the conversation.

Step 3: Set Clear Expectations

Be crystal clear about what you need from them behaviorally. Don't ask about their feelings or their history. Focus on observable behaviors and professional standards.

Step 4: Define Consequences

Make it clear that refusing to work together professionally isn't optional. If they can't figure it out, there will be consequences. And then follow through if necessary.

Step 5: Follow Up

Check in regularly to make sure they're maintaining professional behavior. Don't just assume the problem solved itself after one conversation.

The Boundaries You Need to Set

As a manager, you need to be clear about what's in your lane and what isn't.

In your lane:

• Requiring professional behavior at work

• Addressing how their conflict affects team performance

• Setting expectations for collaboration and communication

• Holding them accountable for meeting workplace standards

Not in your lane:

• Solving their personal problems

• Determining who's "right" in their conflict

• Making them like each other

• Getting involved in their lives outside of work

You're their manager, not their parent, their therapist, or their best friend. Stay in your lane.

When It's Not Working

Sometimes, despite your best efforts, two people just cannot work together professionally. They've tried, you've tried, and it's still affecting the team.

At that point, you have to make some hard decisions. Maybe one of them needs to transfer to a different department. Maybe one of them needs to find opportunities elsewhere. Maybe you need to document the ongoing performance issues and start a progressive discipline process.

This isn't failure, it's recognizing that sometimes the best solution is separation. Not everyone can work together effectively, and that's okay. But they don't get to hold your team hostage while they figure that out.

The Adult Expectation

"That's not heroic, that's basic workplace professionalism. And everyone on your team should be capable of it."

Here's what this all comes down to: we're all adults here. We all work with people we don't particularly like. We all have colleagues we'd rather not spend time with. We all have had conflicts and disagreements and personality clashes.

But somehow, most of us manage to put on our big kid pants and act professionally anyway. We respond to emails from people who annoy us. We collaborate with people we'd never choose to hang out with. We're polite to people we'd cross the street to avoid outside of work.

That's not heroic, that's basic workplace professionalism. And everyone on your team should be capable of it.

Your Job in All This

Your job isn't to make everyone like each other. It's to create an environment where people can do good work regardless of personal feelings.

Sometimes that means having uncomfortable conversations. Sometimes it means setting boundaries and enforcing consequences. Sometimes it means accepting that two people will never be friends but can still be professional colleagues.

And sometimes it means remembering that managing people is weird and awkward and you're going to have conversations you never imagined having. Like sitting across from two grown adults and essentially saying, "I don't care about your feelings, just do your job."

It's not glamorous. It's not fun. But it's necessary.

Because at the end of the day, everyone on your team deserves to work in an environment that's free from interpersonal drama. And it's your job to make sure that happens, even when two people would rather nurse their grudge than grow up.

What's your approach to managing team conflicts? Have you ever had to have the "I don't care, be professional" conversation? How did it go? Share your war stories in the comments.

As always, carry social kindness with you everywhere you go. The world needs you and your positive mindset!

Connect With Me

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If you want to consult on training or coaching for your team, please reach out.

Linnea@leadwithlinnea.com

269-621-5282