Emotional Intelligence for Leaders: The Skill That Separates Good from Great

linnearader
4 hours ago
6 min read

I was a bull in a china shop. You've read about this a few times now.

Early in my career, if I had a question, I asked it. Didn't think twice about how to phrase it, how it would be received, or whether it might upset someone. I just charged ahead, oblivious to the wreckage I was leaving behind.

If something frustrated me, you knew it. My face told the whole story before my mouth even opened. I thought passion and authenticity meant wearing your heart on your sleeve and letting people know exactly how you felt in every moment.

I wasn't entirely wrong about the authenticity part. But I was missing something crucial: emotional intelligence.

I didn't even know what emotional intelligence was until about 6-8 years ago. I was sitting in a class when the instructor started talking about EI, and I thought, 'Oh, that's what that's called.'

But here's the interesting part: while I didn't know the term, I'd been witnessing emotional intelligence, both high and low, my entire life. I just hadn't had the language to describe what I was seeing.

Why Technical Skills Aren't Enough

"I've watched brilliant people fail as leaders."

If you'd asked me early in my career if EI mattered, I probably would have said something vague about 'people skills' and moved on. Technical competence, knowledge, experience, those were the things that mattered for leadership, right?

Wrong. So incredibly wrong.

I've watched brilliant people fail as leaders. People with impressive credentials and deep expertise who couldn't build teams, couldn't navigate conflict, couldn't inspire anyone to follow them.

And I've watched unlikely people thrive. People who weren't the smartest in the room or the most technically skilled, but who had something more important: the ability to understand themselves and others, manage their reactions, and build genuine relationships.

That's emotional intelligence. And it's not a soft skill. It's the foundation that makes every other leadership skill actually work.

The Four Components of emotional intelligence That Matter

Emotional intelligence breaks down into four key components. Each one builds on the others, and all four are essential for effective leadership.

1. Self-Awareness: Knowing Your Blind Spots

Self-awareness is the foundation. It's understanding how you're showing up in real time, how others are experiencing you, and how your internal state is affecting your external impact.

I facilitate a training program called Building Blocks where teams work together to create a foundation of expectations. Participants can get defensive if I don't phrase things properly or set the ground rules carefully.

So I have to constantly read the room. Constantly. Even mid-sentence, I sometimes have to readjust how I'm making a statement. If I'm not hyper-aware of the feelings in the room, the entire workshop could shut down.

That's self-awareness in action. It's not a one-time achievement. It's an ongoing practice of monitoring yourself, reading others, and adjusting accordingly.

Read more: Know Thyself: The Self-Awareness Foundation of Emotional Intelligence

2. Social Awareness: Reading What's Really Happening

Social awareness is your ability to accurately pick up on emotions in other people and understand what's really going on. It's reading body language, noticing tone shifts, picking up on group dynamics.

I've put my foot in my mouth more times than I care to count. There was the time I was halfway through explaining how frustrating a situation was, only to realize I was describing an action that the person sitting across from me had done in the past. Awkward doesn't even begin to cover it.

That's what happens when you lack social awareness. You barrel forward, oblivious to the dynamics in the room and the impact your words are having in real time.

You can have all the self-awareness in the world, but if you can't read the people around you, you're still going to struggle.

Read more: Reading the Room: Why Social Awareness Matters More Than You Think

3. Self-Management: Choosing Your Response

My emotions used to flow out of me like a water faucet on full blast.

Controlling my emotions has been a top priority for at least a decade. I'm happy to report that outbursts are few now. At least at work.

Self-management is your ability to manage your emotional reactions in a way that serves you rather than sabotages you. It's the pause between feeling something and acting on it. It's choosing your response instead of defaulting to your impulses.

I was presenting to a large group when someone tried to spin my statements and stir up drama. A few years ago, I might have gotten flustered, gotten defensive, engaged in a way that escalated the situation.

Instead, I quickly, professionally, and calmly made eye contact with the individual and stated we weren't going to be doing that. Then I continued the presentation. Most people in the room didn't even notice the blip.

That's self-management. It gives you options beyond your immediate emotional reaction.

Read more: Self-Management: The Emotional Intelligence Skill That Changes Everything

4. Relationship Management: Putting It All Together

Within my organization, the relationship between management and the union used to be broken. Some would have said broken beyond repair.

Years of distrust. Years of directives instead of conversations. Years of games rather than honesty.

Rebuilding that relationship required all three of the previous EI components plus one more: relationship management. The ability to build, maintain, and leverage relationships effectively. To navigate conflict constructively. To communicate in ways that strengthen connections rather than damage them.

It's been a long road, but the difference is almost night and day. That's what relationship management can do. It can take something broken and rebuild it into something functional.

Read more: Relationship Management: The Emotional Intelligence Skill That Builds or Breaks Your Leadership

The Hardest Lesson: Sometimes You're Not the Right Messenger

This one hit me hard, and honestly, it still stings sometimes.

There was a person in a leadership role who could not and would not take any conversation with me well. They had a skewed view of me based on who hired me and who I worked for. It didn't matter if I told them they were exactly correct about something. They would find a way to disagree anyway.

If I made any recommendation, the opposite would be the chosen direction. Even when I had all the knowledge and information to assist in decision-making, if it came from me, the opposite of my recommendation would become the new direction. Even to the detriment of the entire organization.

I had to find someone else to deliver the message. Someone they could actually hear.

That was a massive ego hit. I knew I could have the conversation. I knew I had the knowledge and abilities. But I had to accept that no matter what I said or how I said it, there were people who wouldn't engage with it because of who was delivering it.

That's emotional intelligence too. Recognizing when your effectiveness is limited not by what you know but by factors you can't control. And being mature enough to find another path forward.

What Happens When EI Is Missing

"Organizational dysfunction."

I once worked with someone who told me they didn't need any training on emotional intelligence because they were 'a professional at it.'

At the same time, members of their team spent most of their time working around this person and rolling their eyes at them.

This person was completely oblivious to reality. They were unable to complete basic functions of their position but refused to acknowledge how that lack of ability affected the entire team. They talked over everyone they came across, but because nobody bothered to try to interrupt them anymore, they assumed everyone must be interested in what they had to say.

Their low emotional intelligence created dysfunction that rippled through the entire organization. Projects were delayed. Team morale suffered. Good employees became frustrated and disengaged.

That's the cost of leading without emotional intelligence. Not just personal ineffectiveness. Organizational dysfunction.

Why This Matters in Your Leadership

As I've built my emotional intelligence skills over the years, everything has improved. I understand far more. I'm able to learn more. I'm able to relate better to other people.

I react less emotionally, so I can be more consistent, reliable, and helpful to my team. When a crisis hits, they know I'm going to show up steady rather than adding my own emotional chaos to the situation.

I gain more diverse perspectives, which allows me to make better decisions. I navigate complex stakeholder situations more effectively. I build stronger trust with my team.

None of this happened overnight. Emotional intelligence isn't something you master in a weekend workshop. It's a ongoing practice that requires self-reflection, feedback, and a willingness to keep growing even when it's uncomfortable.

But it's worth it. Because at the end of the day, leadership isn't about having all the answers or being the most technically skilled person in the room.

It's about understanding yourself and others well enough to bring out the best in everyone around you. And that's what emotional intelligence gives you the ability to do.

Next in the series: Communication - Saying What Needs to Be Said

As always, carry social kindness with you everywhere you go. The world needs you and your positive mindset!