The Real Cost of Unreasonable Expectations of Others (And How to Check Yourself)
- linnearader
- Apr 15
- 6 min read
I'm writing this from Mount Pleasant, Michigan, where I just wrapped up a few days at the Michigan Public Service Institute (MPSI). If you know MPSI, you know what I mean when I say there is nothing quite like being in a room with 140 people who are all there to grow, learn, and get better at what they do. People are leaned in. They're taking notes. They're wrestling with real challenges at their tables. It's genuinely one of my favorite places to be.
But the thing that has been on my mind since I sat down to write this isn't a framework or a leadership model. It's something more basic, and honestly, more important. It's about the unreasonable expectations of others that come up in every workplace, every community, and every interaction where humans are involved.
Most People Are Actually Reasonable
Here's my honest take, and yes, I know some people will call me a Pollyanna for saying it: I think the vast majority of people are reasonable. Most people, when given accurate information and treated with respect, can understand what is and isn't possible. They can handle a "no" if it's explained well. They can work with timelines, constraints, and the reality of limited resources.
I have spent over 20 years working in public sector HR, mostly in local government and public works. I have seen a lot. And my experience is that the genuinely unreasonable people, the ones who go from zero to blast-off in seconds, who make assumptions without asking questions, who demand the impossible and lose their minds when they don't get it? They are a small percentage of the population. A loud percentage, sure. But small.
"The unreasonable ones are a small percentage of the population. A loud percentage, sure. But small."
The problem is that small percentage leaves a lasting impression. They shape policies. They exhaust the people doing the work. They make everyone else walk on eggshells. And they make good people question whether setting any expectations at all is even worth it.
The Stories, Though
Let me tell you about a few situations that came up during my time at MPSI, because they were wild enough that I can't stop thinking about them.
Picture an elected official showing up unannounced at a public works facility, walking around the shop floor, and asking individual employees pointed questions in a way that made it feel like a performance review. No notice. No coordination with supervisors. Just a person with political authority creating an atmosphere of fear and uncertainty for a group of people just trying to do their jobs. The employees didn't know if they were being evaluated, disciplined, or set up for something. That's not oversight. That's intimidation, whether it was intended that way or not.
Then there are the agencies that have basically gone silent on social media because every time they try to share helpful information, a handful of keyboard warriors show up to twist it, argue about it, or turn it into a personal attack. So instead of sharing updates that would help residents, agencies go quiet. And then the public complains about a lack of transparency. The irony is thick.
And we've all seen the shopper at the department store who misread a sale advertisement and is now screaming at a cashier who had nothing to do with the ad, the pricing, or the misunderstanding. The cashier is just standing there, probably making $15 an hour, absorbing someone else's bad day and bad reading comprehension.
I could type pages of these. Every one of us who has worked in public service or customer-facing roles has a mental file cabinet full of them.
So What Do We Actually Do With This?
Here's what I keep coming back to: most of the time, the person on the receiving end of unreasonable expectations is not the one who created the problem. They didn't write the policy, design the system, or cause the shortage. They are just the human standing in the way of what someone else decided they were owed.
And what makes it worse is that we often don't check our own assumptions before we unload on someone. We assume the worst. We assume incompetence, indifference, or bad intent. We go from "this isn't what I expected" to "these people are the worst" in about four seconds, without stopping to ask a single clarifying question.
"We go from 'this isn't what I expected' to 'these people are the worst' in about four seconds, without stopping to ask a single clarifying question."
This is where self-awareness and emotional intelligence actually matter in everyday life, not just in leadership development workshops. Before you escalate, before you fire off the angry email, before you go to the shop floor and start making employees feel like they're about to lose their jobs, stop. Ask yourself a few things.
What do I actually know about this situation, and what am I assuming?
Have I asked a clear question before expecting a specific outcome?
Is my reaction proportionate to what actually happened, or am I reacting to a story I made up in my head?
How would I feel if someone treated me or one of my people this way?
These aren't complicated questions. But they require a pause, and pausing when you're frustrated is genuinely hard. I get that. I've been on both sides of this. I have been the frustrated person who jumped to conclusions. I have also been the one on the receiving end of assumptions I didn't deserve. Neither feels good.
Setting Expectations Is Not the Problem
I want to be clear about something: having expectations of others is not inherently unreasonable. We should absolutely have expectations of public service departments, businesses, coworkers, and elected officials. Expectations are how standards get maintained. They're how accountability works.
The issue is not having expectations. The issue is treating our assumptions like facts and then reacting to the gap between what we assumed and what happened as if someone wronged us on purpose.
There is a difference between "I expected X and I got Y, can you help me understand why?" and "I expected X and I got Y, so now I'm going to make your life miserable until I get what I want." One leads to a conversation. The other leads to a story that gets told at MPSI three months later.
Why Unreasonable Expectations of Others Do So Much Damage
When we walk into every interaction loaded with assumptions and ready to escalate, we wear people down. We create the very dysfunction we're complaining about. The agency that stops posting on social media because a few people are relentlessly nasty? That's not the agency's failure. That's the community's loss, created by a handful of people who couldn't figure out how to disagree without being cruel.
The shop floor crew that gets anxious every time a car they don't recognize pulls into the lot? That's not a performance problem. That's a trauma response to being treated like they're guilty until proven innocent.
Think about the people you interact with every week. The cashier. The customer service rep. The municipal employee answering a complaint line. The postal worker. The nurse at the front desk. They are all absorbing the weight of other people's unreasonable expectations all day long.
"Think about the people you interact with every week. They are absorbing the weight of other people's unreasonable expectations all day long."
You have the power to be different. You can be the person who asks before assuming. Who gives the benefit of the doubt. Who doesn't take out their frustration on the closest human available. Who treats people like they're doing their best until there's actual evidence otherwise.
See what happens when you do. I think you'll be surprised.
The Bottom Line
Most people are reasonable. A small percentage are not. But here is the thing we don't talk about enough: sometimes, without realizing it, we are the unreasonable one. Not because we're bad people, but because we're human, we're stressed, and we didn't stop to check ourselves before we went sideways on someone who didn't deserve it.
The fix isn't complicated. It's just not easy. It takes self-awareness, a little patience, and a genuine commitment to treating people the way you'd want to be treated. Not just the people you like. Not just the people who are easy. All of them.
Don't be that person. Take the step back. Check your assumptions. And then see what changes.
Want to dig deeper into self-awareness and emotional intelligence as leadership skills? Check out those posts in my leadership skills series right here on the blog.
As always, carry social kindness with you everywhere you go. The world needs you and your positive mindset!
Connect With Me
If you want to consult on training or coaching for your team, please reach out.
269-621-5282