Assumptions kill relationships: how to check yours before they cost you

linnearader
6 days ago
4 min read

“I don’t know what you’re doing, so you must not be doing anything.”

That’s what a coworker from another department said to me. Not in a joking tone. Not as a question. As a statement. The logic was apparently this: if they couldn’t see me working, I must not be working at all.

I was shocked. And honestly, I was hurt.

I just wrote a blog post about not taking things personally, and I do truly believe in that practice. But when someone questions whether you actually do your job, that’s questioning your integrity. That feels personal, even if it isn’t meant to be. I hope it wasn’t, but it sure leaned in that direction.

Two people can work together and not know what the other is really responsible for.

The real problem wasn’t what I do. It was Their assumption.

Here’s the thing. I work with a lot of different departments. People who do different tasks, hold different responsibilities, and handle work that happens far outside of my line of sight.

The coworker who made that comment was one of those people. I knew they had an important job. I had written their job description, so I probably had an upper hand on knowing what their day looked like. But here’s what matters: not once, not even for a second, did I assume that because I couldn’t see them working, they weren’t doing anything.

That’s the difference. And that difference is everything.

Assumptions kill relationships. Work, personal, all of it.

What you know vs. what you just kind of know

Stop and think about this for a minute. What do you actually know? Like, really know? Hard facts, things you’ve seen with your own eyes or verified with real information.

Now think about all the things you just kind of know. The stuff you’re pretty sure about but couldn’t really back up if someone asked. When there’s a gap between what you know and what you need to understand, your brain fills it in. That gap-filling is where assumptions live.

I’m not telling you to stop making assumptions altogether. That’s impossible. Our brains are built to fill in blanks. It’s how we get through the day without analyzing every single situation from scratch.

What I am saying is this: keep your assumptions in check. Especially the ones that shape how you feel about other people.

Check yourself before you wreck a relationship

When you start to feel strong emotions about someone or something, that’s the moment to pause. Ask yourself two questions.

What do I actually know to be true here?

What have I had to assume to fill in the gaps?

If most of your reaction is being fueled by assumptions rather than facts, that’s your cue to slow down. Do some research. Ask some questions. Get the actual information before you let your feelings drive you somewhere you can’t take back.

This is hard. Especially when you’re frustrated, hurt, or feeling defensive. In those moments, your assumptions feel like facts. They feel obvious. They feel right. That’s exactly why you have to check them.

When your assumptions feel most like facts, that’s the moment they need the most scrutiny.

Now apply this to your real life

Press pause when you realize you're forming assumptions.

Think about the relationships in your life right now. Personal ones, professional ones, family, neighbors, the person who keeps cutting you off in the parking lot.

How many of those relationships are running on assumptions? How many are colored by what you THINK someone feels, what you THINK they meant, what you THINK they’re doing when you can’t see them?

Maybe you’ve decided your boss doesn’t value you because they didn’t respond to your email for two days. Maybe you’ve decided your friend is mad at you because they liked someone else’s post but not yours. Maybe you’ve decided your coworker is slacking because you don’t see what they do.

What if none of that is true? What if your boss was buried in a project? What if your friend never saw your post? What if your coworker is grinding through work that you’ll never witness because it isn’t yours to witness?

The practice is the point

Catching your assumptions isn’t a one-time thing. It’s a practice. You’re going to make assumptions tomorrow, and the next day, and probably ten times before lunch. The practice is noticing them. Naming them. And asking yourself whether you actually know what you think you know.

The coworker who told me I must not be doing anything? They didn’t know what I did each day. That part is true. But the assumption that I therefore wasn’t doing anything? That was a leap they didn’t have to make.

You don’t have to make those leaps either.

You can’t always know everything. But you can choose not to fill the gaps with the worst possible story.

So this week, try this. The next time you feel that flash of frustration or hurt or judgment about someone, pause. Ask yourself what you actually know. Then ask yourself what you’ve assumed. And see if the picture changes when you tell yourself the truth instead of the story.

Your relationships, all of them, will thank you for it.

As always, carry social kindness with you everywhere you go. The world needs you and your positive mindset!