The Comparison Trap: Why Looking at Other Leaders' Success Is Killing Yours

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I'm going to be honest with you: I've never been the type to sit around feeling inadequate about other people's success. That's just not how I'm wired. But you know what I HAVE done? Looked at other leaders and thought, "How are they pulling that off? What am I missing?"

The difference is subtle but important. I wasn't comparing myself to feel bad, I was trying to figure out their secret sauce so I could replicate it. Which sounds productive, right? Except here's the problem: I was trying to reverse-engineer their success based on about 10% of the actual information.

And that's the trap most of us fall into, whether we're prone to self-doubt or just trying to learn from others. We're making judgments and decisions based on what we can see, which is almost nothing compared to what's actually happening behind the scenes.

The Instagram Effect (But Make It Leadership)

"We all know social media isn't real life."

We all know social media isn't real life. Nobody posts pictures of their messy kitchen or their kid's meltdown in the grocery store or the fight they had with their spouse about whose turn it is to take out the trash. They post the vacation photos, the perfectly plated dinners, the smiling family pictures.

But somehow, we forget that the same principle applies at work.

You see other leaders in meetings where they're prepared and confident. You see them giving presentations that land perfectly. You see them getting recognition for their achievements. You see them handling crises with apparent ease.

What you DON'T see is them at 2 AM worrying about a decision they made. You don't see them crying in their car after a particularly brutal day. You don't see the three projects that failed before the one successful project you're admiring. You don't see the personal sacrifices, the therapy sessions, the moments of doubt, or the support systems holding them up.

You're comparing your messy internal reality to their polished external performance. And that's a rigged game you're never going to win.

The Things You Don't Know

You have no idea what's going on behind the curtain of other people's lives.

Let me tell you some stories about leaders I used to compare myself to:

That leader who seemed to have it all together? She was dealing with a serious health diagnosis she kept private. The one who always appeared calm? He'd spent years in therapy learning anxiety management techniques. The one with the perfect work-life balance? Her partner had quit his job to handle everything at home. The one who made leadership look effortless? She'd failed spectacularly in her previous role and spent years rebuilding her skills and confidence.

You have no idea what's going on behind the curtain. None. You don't know what they're sacrificing. You don't know what support they have. You don't know what struggles they're hiding. You don't know what advantages they have that you don't. You don't know what internal battles they're fighting.

Comparing yourself to someone based on incomplete information is like trying to bake a cake using only three ingredients from a recipe that calls for twelve. It's not going to work out the way you think.

The Math Doesn't Math

"Maybe their results aren't as impressive as they seem, they just talk a good game."

Here's another problem with comparison: you're literally comparing different people with different situations, different strengths, different resources, and different challenges.

That leader who seems more successful than you? Maybe they have a larger budget. Maybe they inherited a high-performing team instead of building one from scratch. Maybe they're in a role that's easier to measure success in. Maybe they've been doing this ten years longer than you have.

Or maybe, and here's a big one, maybe they're NOT actually more successful. Maybe their team is miserable but good at faking it in public. Maybe their results aren't as impressive as they seem, they just talk a good game. Maybe they're one crisis away from everything falling apart.

You're taking all the complicated, nuanced variables that make up leadership success and reducing them to a simple "they're doing better than me." That's not analysis, that's self-torture.

You Are Your Own Person

Here's what changed everything for me: realizing that I could only compare myself to myself.

Not to Sarah or Mike or Jennifer. Not to the leaders I admired or envied or felt threatened by. To me. To who I was last month, last year, when I started this role.

Am I a better leader today than I was six months ago? Have I developed new skills? Have I handled situations better? Have I grown in my understanding of leadership? Have I improved specific areas I identified as weaknesses?

THOSE are the only comparisons that matter. Because those are the only comparisons based on complete information and fair context.

The Growth Mindset Shift

Shifting to a growth mindset will change your life.

When you stop comparing yourself to others and start comparing yourself to your past self, something magical happens: you can actually see your progress.

You remember that meeting three months ago where you completely froze up? Look at you now, handling similar situations with more confidence. Remember when you had no idea how to give difficult feedback? You're getting better at it. Remember when every decision felt like you were guessing? You're developing better judgment.

This isn't about lowering standards or being satisfied with mediocrity. It's about recognizing that growth happens incrementally, and the only person you need to be better than is the person you were yesterday.

What You Can Learn From Others

"Comparison is like running on a treadmill. You're expending a ton of effort but you're not actually going anywhere."

Now, before you think I'm saying you should never look at other leaders, let me clarify: there's a huge difference between learning from others and comparing yourself to them.

Learning from others looks like: "I noticed how Jennifer handled that conflict. What specific techniques did she use that I could adapt to my style?"

Comparing yourself to others looks like: "Jennifer's so much better at conflict resolution than I am. I'll never be as good as her."

See the difference? One is about growth and development. The other is about inadequacy and self-judgment.

You can admire other leaders. You can study their techniques. You can ask for advice. You can model behaviors that work. But the moment you start measuring your worth against theirs, you've crossed from learning into the comparison trap.

The Energy Drain

Here's the practical problem with comparison: it's exhausting and it's completely unproductive.

All that time you spend looking at other leaders and feeling inadequate? That's time you could spend actually developing your skills. All that energy you waste on envy or self-doubt? That's energy you need for the actual work of leadership.

Comparison is like running on a treadmill. You're expending a ton of effort but you're not actually going anywhere. Worse, you're too exhausted to do the things that would actually move you forward.

The Reality Check You Need

"You just have to be the best leader you're capable of being right now, and then work on being slightly better tomorrow."

Let me be really honest with you: there will always be leaders who appear more successful than you. Always. No matter how good you get, no matter what you accomplish, you'll be able to find someone who seems to be doing better.

If you base your self-worth on being "better than" others, you're signing up for a lifetime of insecurity. Because there's always someone else. Always another comparison that makes you feel inadequate.

But here's the beautiful thing: you don't have to be the best leader in your organization, your industry, or the world. You just have to be the best leader you're capable of being right now, and then work on being slightly better tomorrow.

That's it. That's the whole game.

Your New Comparison Strategy

When you handle something well, celebrate it!

So what do you do instead of comparing yourself to others? Here's what's worked for me:

Track your own progress. Keep notes about what you're learning, how you're handling situations differently, what skills you're developing. Look back from time to time so you can see how you’ve changed and grown.

Celebrate your wins. When you handle something well, acknowledge it. Don't brush it off because someone else might have done it better and especially not because nobody else noticed. You did it well, you noticed, and that matters.

Learn strategically. By all means, study other leaders. But watch their techniques, their skills, their growth, not to measure your worth against theirs.

Remember context. When you find yourself starting to compare, remind yourself that you're working with incomplete information and different circumstances.

Focus on service. Instead of "Am I as good as them?" ask "Am I serving my team and organization effectively?" The first question is about ego. The second is about impact.

The Permission You're Looking For

"You're allowed to have different strengths and struggles than other leaders."

If you're waiting for permission to stop comparing yourself to other leaders, here it is: You're allowed to be your own kind of leader. You're allowed to develop at your own pace. You're allowed to have different strengths and struggles than other leaders. You're allowed to define success in terms that matter to you and your situation.

You don't have to be Sarah or Mike or Jennifer. You just have to be the best version of you.

The Challenge

Here's your challenge for this week: Notice when you start comparing yourself to other leaders. When you catch yourself doing it, stop and ask three questions:

1. What incomplete information am I basing this comparison on?

2. What am I trying to learn from this observation?

3. How have I grown in this area compared to my past self?

Those three questions will help you shift from destructive comparison to productive learning and self-assessment.

The Bottom Line

The comparison trap is seductive because it feels productive. It feels like you're pushing yourself to improve by measuring yourself against others. But it's not. It's just making you feel inadequate while draining the energy you need to actually grow.

The only leader you need to be better than is the one you were yesterday. That's the comparison that actually matters. That's the race worth running.

Everyone else? They're running their own race with their own obstacles and their own finish line. Stop watching them long enough to focus on your own path.

You've got work to do, and it has nothing to do with keeping up with anyone else.

How do you catch yourself falling into the comparison trap? What strategies help you refocus on your own growth? Share your experience in the comments.

As always, carry social kindness with you everywhere you go. The world needs you and your positive mindset!

Connect With Me

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If you want to consult on training or coaching for your team, please reach out.

Linnea@leadwithlinnea.com

269-621-5282