Protecting Your Energy: When to Engage and When to Walk Away

linnearader
Jan 12
7 min read

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kKXFczcuF5Q

Listen to the audio version here!

I responded to a Facebook comment once. A complaint that I felt was personally attacking me. I couldn't let it go. I had to defend myself. I had to set the record straight.

It didn't go well.

I got spoken to by my boss and a Commissioner. The comment I thought I needed to respond to? It became a bigger deal because I responded. My emotional reaction made everything worse.

That situation cost me time, energy, and face. And here's the thing that really stuck with me: these situations become part of your identity. They stick with you. They become who you're perceived to be. It takes a long time to break through that and prove you've grown up, changed, are doing better.

Fast forward to a few weeks ago. The agency I work with was facing a lot of negative publicity. A former employee or two took some cheap shots at unnamed employees that could easily be perceived as being aimed at me.

I could have responded. I could have rebutted. I had information. I had facts. I had the truth on my side.

But I didn't.

That choice, that moment of walking away instead of engaging, is what I want to talk about today. Because knowing when to protect your energy and when to spend it is one of the most important skills you'll develop as a leader.

The Cost of Every Battle

There's a constant battle for your energy. (AI generated image)

Here's what nobody tells you about leadership: you can't fight every battle. You literally do not have the energy.

Every time you engage in something, whether it's a conflict, a debate, a correction, or a defense, you're spending energy. And that energy is finite.

When you spend your energy on the wrong battles, you don't have it for the right ones. You don't have it for your team. You don't have it for strategic thinking. You don't have it for the work that actually matters.

I've had disagreements between members of our team about how to handle situations in which I reacted emotionally. I could have been right in the situation, but the emotional reaction made it wrong. Walking away would have made a far better impact.

Being right doesn't matter if you're wrong about how you handle it.

The Recent Test

"Whatever I said would have fueled the flame rather than extinguished it."

So back to those Facebook comments a few weeks ago. In the moment, I struggled. I read the comments. I listened to the backlash. It hurt. It hurt a lot.

I take a lot of pride in my job. I work hard to support our team. Seeing my work, my commitment, my integrity questioned publicly? That stings.

But I realized there wasn't anything I could say to change anyone's mind. What was done was done. Whatever I said would have fueled the flame rather than extinguished it.

So I walked away. I let it be. I didn't defend myself.

The outcome? I came out as the bigger person. The controversy died down because there was nothing to fuel it. And the people who matter, the people who know my work, they already knew the truth.

That's growth. That's learning when to protect your energy instead of spending it on battles you can't win.

The Energy Drains You Face

As leaders, we face energy drains constantly. For me, one of the biggest is the regular building of silos.

Departments want to put up walls. They make decisions only for themselves without regard to how their decisions impact others. People get hurt feelings because they feel someone is invading their "lane."

The reality is, we are one team. A great and knowledgeable person I know, Dr. Lewis G. Bender, explains this as the ask and discuss theory. We ask for input. We discuss the options. And then someone makes a decision. Leadership isn't a democracy. Someone is still in charge.

But breaking down those silos? Fighting the territorial mentality? That drains energy like nothing else. And you have to decide: is this the battle worth my energy right now?

How to Know When to Walk Away

It's a tough decision to know when to walk away versus when to engage. The best way I've found is to walk away when emotions are involved and get involved when data is.

Now, that seems really simple. I totally see that. But in real time, keeping your emotions in check to be able to make that logical decision is TOUGH.

Here are some questions I ask myself now:

Will engaging actually change anything? If the answer is no, walk away. You can't change someone's mind who's already decided.

Am I reacting emotionally? If yes, step back. Wait. Give yourself time to cool down. Emotional reactions rarely lead to good outcomes, even when you're right.

Is this about ego or about impact? Sometimes we want to engage because we want to be right, we want to defend ourselves, we want to prove something. That's ego. If it's not going to have real impact, it's not worth your energy.

What's the worst that happens if I don't engage? Often, the answer is: nothing. Or at least nothing that matters in the long run.

The Guilt of Walking Away

"I spend hours sometimes worrying about what others think or if people think I don't care."

Here's the hard part: there's guilt involved. Especially when you have information and there's misinformation out there.

I want to give the data and information necessary for people to understand. I want to correct the record. I want people to know the truth.

But the reality is that the most vocal of people don't typically want information. They are set in what they believe and no amount of work you do will fix it.

I spend hours sometimes worrying about what others think or if people think I don't care.

But the reality is I absolutely care. I care deep down inside and want to do the right things. But I, as with everyone else, make my own decisions based on the best information we have with the best of intentions.

Walking away doesn't mean you don't care. It means you care enough about your capacity to lead effectively that you're choosing your battles wisely.

The Balancing Act

My energy is hard to protect. But it's necessary. If I'm drained and burned down, I can't be the best leader.

In contrast, I can't only be concerned with my energy. My team needs me to be aware of theirs as well and how my protection could impact them.

You need to protect your energy so you can show up for your team. But you also need to engage when your team needs you to engage. When staying silent would leave them vulnerable or unsupported.

The key is being intentional about where you spend your energy instead of just reacting to everything that comes at you.

What I Would Tell My Younger Self

If I could go back and talk to that version of me who responded to that Facebook comment, here's what I would say:

Take deep breaths. Step back. Work to remove emotion from decisions.

Be clear that this doesn't mean to remove empathy from existence. Empathy is essential. You need to understand how people feel, what they're experiencing, what they need.

But remove emotion from decisions. Very different.

Empathy helps you understand. Emotion clouds your judgment.

You can care deeply about something and still choose not to engage. You can be hurt by comments and still decide they're not worth responding to. You can be right and still walk away.

That's not weakness. That's wisdom.

When to Spend Your Energy

So if you're not spending your energy on every battle, where should you spend it?

Spend it on your team. On developing people. On having meaningful conversations that build trust and capability.
Spend it on strategic thinking. On solving real problems. On moving important projects forward.
Spend it on relationships that matter. On building bridges instead of defending positions.
Spend it on work that aligns with your values and your organization's mission.

Everything else? Let it go.

Your Energy Audit

"Your energy is your most valuable resource as a leader. Guard it fiercely."

Here's what I want you to do this week: pay attention to where your energy is going.

Notice when you get pulled into something. Notice when you feel drained. Notice when you're spending energy on something that doesn't really matter.

Ask yourself: Is this worth my energy? Will engaging here help me be a better leader? Will it support my team? Will it move us forward?

If the answer is no, practice walking away. Even when it's hard. Even when you want to respond. Even when you're right.

Your energy is your most valuable resource as a leader. Guard it fiercely.

The difference between the Facebook comment years ago and the recent negative publicity isn't that one situation was more important than the other. It's that I've learned the value of my energy.

I've learned that being right doesn't matter if you're exhausted. That proving a point doesn't matter if you've lost your capacity to lead. That defending yourself doesn't matter if it damages your relationships and your reputation.

I've learned that sometimes the most powerful thing you can do is nothing.

Your challenge this week: identify one battle you need to walk away from. One conflict you need to let go. One argument you need to stop having.

Protect your energy. Save it for what matters. Choose your battles wisely.

Because you can't fight them all. And the ones worth fighting require you to show up with your full energy, your best thinking, and your clearest judgment.

Walk away from the rest. Trust me, it gets easier with practice.

What battle are you going to walk away from this week? Share in the comments. Let's support each other in protecting our energy.

As always, carry social kindness with you everywhere you go. The world needs you and your positive mindset!