Why Tone Matters More Than Words in Communication
- linnearader
- 4 days ago
- 4 min read
We talk all the time. Some of us more than others. I'll own it, I'm a chatterbox most days. I've made peace with that about myself. But here's the question I keep coming back to: how often do we actually say something?
Talking is one thing. Speaking with clarity, purpose, meaning, and understanding is a completely different skill. It's a big enough topic that I run an entire workshop on communication for teams. If that's something your organization could use, let's talk.
"Talking is one thing. Speaking with clarity, purpose, meaning, and understanding is a completely different skill."
Let me give you a real example from last weekend.
A 4th of July That Didn't Go As Planned
It was the 4th of July, and Michigan weather decided to bring its own fireworks. We spent most of the week in South Haven for family time, and it was hot. Miserably hot. Add in some wild waves on Lake Michigan, and our plans shifted. Instead of days spent waist deep in the lake, we found shade, enjoyed the breeze, relaxed indoors, and took the boat up and down the river. Different than we planned, but still a great week.
Now, back to the real story.
It was July 3rd, the night of Light Up the Lake, a big fireworks show in South Haven. Normally we watch from the water. This particular night, a storm rolled through but cleared with plenty of time to get back out. My husband John was ready to go. I said no way. I could see the radar on my phone, and after last year's disaster on the lake, I was not getting stuck out there again.
So we made lemonade. A lot of people from our boat club watch the fireworks from the club instead of the water, since you can see them just fine from there. We went to hang out with that group instead. Great crowd, lots of fun.
The Boat, the Baggage, and the Missed Tone
While we were standing around, a boat from a neighboring club started loading up. And when I say loading up, I mean it was riding low in the water. People everywhere, and they kept adding more. Someone pulled up on a jet ski. They backed the boat out so the jet ski could dock, and then the jet skier and another person climbed onto the already packed boat from the end of the dock.
Picture this. A 25-foot boat, a railing around the front packed with kids ranging from about 5 to 15 years old, and then two adults climbing over that railing to get on board. The boat rocked back and forth with every shift in weight. As the adults made their way to the back to join the crowd of grown-ups, they crossed to the far side and the whole boat dipped hard in that direction. It looked like a rollercoaster with nobody strapped in. Thankfully, everyone had a life jacket on.
We watched the whole thing unfold. Let's be honest, watching is a generous word. It was closer to staring.
From the back of the boat, someone called out, “We must be something to watch.” I called back, “You really are!”
What I missed in that moment was tone. A second after I said it, I caught myself and asked someone else who was clearly watching whether I'd misread the situation. I had. Her body language said it all. She was not enjoying being the center of attention.
Did that stop us from watching? No. Did it stop me from waving as they pulled away? Also no. Not my proudest moment, but my friendly tone had landed wrong, so I leaned into it. It happens.
What This Taught Me About Communication and Tone
There's a lot to unpack here. First, your body language and expression tell people a lot before you ever open your mouth. All of us staring, which was easily 20 or so people around the dock, sent a message. In hindsight, it's reasonable that she felt uncomfortable.
Second, when someone feels that kind of attention, they have a choice to make, and that choice shapes everything that follows. Do you laugh it off or get defensive? My personality would have made a joke and rolled with the attention. She didn't have that same personality, or she had other things going on that day that made laughing about it the last thing she wanted to do. Either response is valid.
Every conversation carries baggage into it, yours and the other person's. That baggage shapes how a message gets delivered, received, and interpreted. You can be mindful of your own baggage. You cannot control someone else's.
"You can be mindful of your own baggage. You cannot control someone else's."
You also can't demand that people receive your message the way you intended it. That's not how communication works. You have to watch for body language, listen for tone, and pick up on the clues around you, both when you're delivering a message and when you're receiving one.
The Takeaway
I didn't communicate well in that moment. I missed the clues. Luckily, it wasn't a conversation I had any real stake in, so the miss cost me nothing.
Want to know how the overloaded boat's night ended? Another round of storms rolled in right after they pulled away from the dock. They never made it out to see the fireworks, and they came back with a boat full of soaked, disappointed people.
Communication is tough. I see it come up as a challenge with every team I work with and every individual I coach, no matter their role or experience level. It always comes up as something we can improve on. I still miss clues from time to time, and I've been doing this work for years. It's an ongoing area of growth for all of us.
"It always comes up as something we can improve on. It's an ongoing area of growth for all of us."
So, here's your challenge this week. Pay attention to how you're communicating. Think about how your messages are actually landing, not just how you intended them. Are you being effective? Leave a comment and let me know what's working for you, or what isn't.
As always, carry social kindness with you everywhere you go. The world needs you and your positive mindset!
Connect With Me
If you want to consult on training or coaching for your team, please reach out.
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