The Power of Positive Intent When You Ask Questions

22 hours ago

5 min read

For years, every time I asked a question, I got the same reaction. People got defensive. Their shoulders would tense up. Their answers got short. And for the longest time, I couldn't figure out why.

Now I understand it completely. And once I did, it changed everything about how I show up at work, and honestly, at home too.

Road roller paving a new road beside trees, with a worker driving and large overlaid text Asking Questions. — Questions can be informative or dangerous. You choose!

It Was Never About the Question

Here's what I finally figured out: people can tell if you're asking questions to understand something, or if you're asking questions to figure out who did something wrong. Even when you don't say it out loud. Even when you think you're hiding it well. They can feel it.

Early in my career, when I asked questions, I told myself I was just trying to understand a situation. And on some level, that was true. But if I'm honest looking back, there were plenty of times I was really asking questions to figure out who was at fault. I was investigating before I even had a chance to hear the full story.

So, when I asked things like "well, why are we doing it that way?" or "what made you decide that?", I thought I sounded curious. What people actually heard was a judgment already made, dressed up as a question.

"People can tell if you're asking questions to understand something, or if you're asking questions to figure out who did something wrong."

Understandably, they got defensive. I would too. Nobody wants to answer a question when they can already feel the verdict sitting behind it.

What Changed: A Story From the Job Site

Smiling woman in a black blazer shrugs at a desk with an open notebook and pen against a plain white background — I had LOTS of questions!

I've worked in the public sector at a road commission for over 21 years. I've been on more job sites than I can count. But not too long ago, I found myself somewhere I'd never actually been before: right next to the crew while they were paving.

I'd heard about it for years. I knew about the compaction rates. I knew the asphalt had to be tested for density. I knew all the terms. But knowing the terms and being several feet away from it happening are two completely different things.

So, there I was with two of our engineers, and I had questions coming out of my ears. I felt like a toddler stuck on repeat: why, why, why. Why does it look like that? Why is the roller shaking the ground like that? Why does the asphalt squish down instead of squishing out?

Because here's the thing about that roller. It's vibratory, and when they turn it on, the whole ground shakes. You can feel it in your chest. And then you watch the asphalt compress right in front of you, like the earth itself just exhaled.

I asked question after question after question. And not one person got defensive. Not one person got short with me. Because they could tell, without me having to say it, that I was asking from a place of genuine interest. I wasn't looking for a mistake. I was just amazed, and I wanted to understand.

Those two engineers answered every single one of my questions, and they seemed to enjoy it. Well…at least for a while! They walked me through the compaction process, explained why the roller has to pass over the asphalt a certain number of times, and explained how the temperature changes throughout the process. None of that happens if the person answering feels like they're being tested instead of teaching.

Why This Matters Even More When You're the One in Charge

If you're a supervisor, this gets more important, not less. When you ask a question, you're not just another coworker being curious. You're the person with the power to write someone up, deny a request, hold people accountable, or shape their whole day. That power shows up in the room whether you mean it to or not.

That means the same question that might land fine coming from a peer can land completely differently coming from a boss. "Why did you do it that way?" from a supervisor can feel like an accusation even when the supervisor genuinely just wants to understand. The fix isn't to stop asking questions. It's to check your intent before you even open your mouth.

The real fix isn't a new script or a clever phrase. It's checking your intent before the conversation even starts. If you've already decided someone made a mistake before you ask a single question, that judgment leaks into your tone no matter which words you pick, and the other person will feel it. But when you genuinely want to understand what happened before you decide anything, that comes through too. Phrases like walk me through the process or how did you come to this decision tend to show up naturally once your intent is right, not because you rehearsed them, but because that's honestly what you want to know.

Asking Questions With Positive Intent: The Real Difference

Looking back on that day on the job site, something jumps out at me. The questions themselves weren't so different from questions I might have asked years ago. What was different was the intent underneath them.

When you ask a question from a place of positive intent, curiosity, wanting to learn, wanting to grow, people open up. They explain things. They teach you. They don't feel like they need to protect themselves.

When you ask a question from a place of judgment, even a well-meaning one, people feel it. And they brace for what's coming next.

I work in human resources, so I'm not naive about this. There are times my questions are part of an investigation, and the outcome isn't always going to be good news for someone. That's part of the job. But even in those conversations, I work hard to ask from a place of genuinely wanting to understand what happened, not from a place where I've already decided the answer before I ask the question. Do you have positive intent, or are you asking questions to assign blame? That one distinction changes everything about how a question lands.

"Do you have positive intent, or are you asking questions to assign blame? That one distinction changes everything about how a question lands."

It's a question I ask myself before almost every hard conversation now. Sometimes the honest answer is that I've already made up my mind, and when that happens, I know I need to slow down before I open my mouth.

Try This, This Week

Next time you catch yourself about to ask a question, especially a tough one, pause for one second and check your own intent. Are you asking because you genuinely want to understand? Or have you already decided what the answer is, and you're just asking to confirm it?

That one-second check changes your tone. It changes your face. It changes the words you choose. And the person on the other end of the question will feel the difference, even if they couldn't tell you why.

If you want a concrete place to start, don't focus on memorizing a better phrase. Focus on your intent before you walk into the conversation. Ask yourself honestly: have I already decided what happened, or do I genuinely want to know? Get that right first, and the words, something like walk me through what happened, tend to follow on their own.

Questions are one of the most powerful tools we have as leaders, parents, coworkers, and friends. But only when they come from a place of wanting to know, not a place of wanting to be right.

As always, carry social kindness with you everywhere you go. The world needs you and your positive mindset!