The Negative Self-Talk That Feeds Imposter Syndrome (And How to Stop It)

linnearader
11 minutes ago
6 min read

Last week we talked about imposter syndrome, that nagging feeling that sneaks into your brain at the most inconvenient times. Today I want to go one layer deeper, because imposter syndrome doesn't show up out of nowhere. It's fed by something. It's fed by the self-doubt underneath it, the negative self-talk running in the background of everything we do.

I can tell you with absolute certainty this is true, because I lived it this week.

I deal with negative self-talk at times too.

When Everything You Touch Falls Apart

I had one of those weeks where every challenge seemed to snowball into the next one. A process I hadn't run in a while suddenly wouldn't balance, and as the finance person on my team, balancing is supposed to be the one thing I always get right. We checked it, double checked it, triple checked it. Nothing worked.

And right in the middle of chasing that problem, another one showed up. I found I'd left an important verification step out of my notes for the person now handling that task.

Here's where it gets interesting. As each of these situations popped up, my imposter syndrome brain went into overdrive. I didn't spend enough time understanding this system. I should have dug deeper before handing it off. How many other verification steps have I forgotten? Have I let down my entire team by not giving them everything they need?

Seriously, it went that deep, that fast.

Is Your Imposter Brain Ever Right?

Here's the uncomfortable truth. On some level, my imposter brain had a point. I didn't understand every corner of that system as well as I could have. But how many systems and processes can one person truly be an expert on? Logical brain me knows you can't possibly know everything about everything.

And the bigger question, the one that actually mattered: had I let my team down? Absolutely not. I've given them the knowledge and the power to learn. Missing one note doesn't erase that. Your imposter brain might be pointing at something real. That doesn't mean it gets to write the whole story.

"Your imposter brain might be pointing at something real. That doesn't mean it gets to write the whole story."

The Real Culprit: Negative Self-Talk

This is what we're really talking about today, and it's a big deal. I don't remember exactly where I first heard this, so I can't give proper credit, but it's stuck with me for years. Think about it this way. If you heard someone talking to your child, your spouse, or your best friend the way you talk to yourself, how would you react?

You'd be furious. You'd put them in their place. You'd stop them cold. If you wouldn't say it to your best friend, you don't get to say it to yourself either.

But you let yourself talk to you that way. Your internal self-talk kicks in and drags you down, and most of the time you don't even notice it happening until you're several rungs down the ladder.

"If you wouldn't say it to your best friend, you don't get to say it to yourself either."

It's time to get that under control. Notice I said under control, not eliminated. My brain went down that rabbit hole for a few minutes this week too. Then I caught it, and I shut it down. I wouldn't speak to someone on my team that way. I'm not speaking to myself that way either. Done.

I'm not promising that after reading this post you'll never talk negatively to yourself again. What I am promising is that you'll start recognizing it faster, and you'll build the muscle to shut it down sooner each time.

Give Yourself the Grace You'd Give Someone Else

Giving ourselves the grace we would give our team.

Here's something worth sitting with. If a new team member came to me and said they didn't understand every report, every test, every corner of a system they'd just inherited, I wouldn't blink. I'd tell them that's normal. That's what learning looks like. I'd give them time, support, and grace while they figured it out.

So why don't I offer myself the same thing?

We hold ourselves to a standard we'd never hold anyone else to. We expect ourselves to already know what we're still learning. We expect zero mistakes on tasks we're doing for the first time in months, or for the first time ever. We don't expect that kind of perfection from our team, our kids, or our friends. We understand that people are human, that learning takes time, that mistakes are part of the process.

But somehow when it's us, the rulebook changes. Suddenly we're supposed to have it all figured out already.

Grace isn't letting yourself off the hook. It's telling yourself the truth. The truth is you're human, you're learning, and one missed step or one balance that won't balance doesn't erase everything you know and everything you've built. Give yourself what you'd give anyone else in your position. Nothing more, nothing less.

How to Actually Do This

It's not an easy path, but it's a necessary one. Here's how it works.

Recognize the spiral. This is the hardest step, because in the moment, the spiral feels completely normal. A few signs to watch for:

The words get extreme. Always, never, everyone, every time. When your internal monologue starts using absolutes, that's a red flag, because real life rarely is.
You jump from specific to global. You missed one step, and suddenly you're questioning whether you've failed your entire team. That leap from one thing went wrong to everything is wrong is the tell.
Your body notices before your brain does. A tight chest, a clenched jaw, that sinking stomach feeling. Physical tension is often the first honest signal that your self-talk has turned on you.
You wouldn't say it out loud. If the thought wouldn't survive being spoken to your team, your spouse, or your kid, it doesn't belong in your own head either.
You're rereading the same thought on a loop. If you've had the identical worried thought five times in ten minutes, you're not solving anything. You're spiraling.

Take a pause. Once you notice it happening, you've got to interrupt it. Slow down for a minute or two. Take a few deep breaths. That might sound simple, even a little silly, but a few real breaths can do more for your brain in that moment than you'd expect.

Reverse the spiral. Find the root issue and get it back to reality. What do you actually have control over, and what don't you? What can you change, and what can't you? I've found that writing this out, even a quick list, is incredibly helpful. Once you see it in black and white, or even just laid out clearly in your head, you can start to take it apart piece by piece.

Run the friend test. Ask yourself directly, would I say this to my best friend right now? If the answer is no, the thought doesn't get airtime. Replace it with what you'd actually tell them.

Separate the action from your identity. "I missed a step" is a fact. "I'm failing my team" is a story you're telling yourself. Get specific about what actually happened instead of letting one moment define who you are.

Say it out loud or write it down. Pulling the thought out of your head and into words takes away a lot of its power. It's much harder for a thought to spiral once it's sitting in front of you instead of looping on repeat.

Find your person. Have someone in your life who's allowed to call you out when you're spiraling. For me, that's often my own team. They know me well enough to say, hey, that's not true and you know it.

The Bottom Line

Imposter syndrome doesn't just show up on its own. It's fed by the way we talk to ourselves in the moments we feel the most exposed. You can't control every system, every process, or every outcome. But you can control how you talk to yourself when things fall apart.

So here's your homework this week. The next time you catch that voice starting to spiral, stop and write down the exact sentence it just said to you. Then read it back and ask yourself one question: would I ever say this to someone I love? If the answer is no, cross it out and write down what you'd tell them instead.

Do that once this week. Just once. That's how you start to quiet your inner critic and take back the story.

I'd love to hear how it goes. Hit reply or send me a message and tell me what your inner critic said, and what you told it instead.

As always, carry social kindness with you everywhere you go. The world needs you and your positive mindset!