Emotional Intelligence Isn't Soft Skills, It's Your Leadership Superpower
- linnearader
- Jan 26
- 8 min read
If I'm being entirely honest, I didn't know what emotional intelligence really was until about 6-8 years ago. I was sitting in class when the instructor started talking about EQ (Emotional Intelligence), and I thought, "Oh, that's what that's called."
Then I took an assessment from Emotional Intelligence 2.0, and things really started clicking into place. But here's the interesting part: while I didn't know the term, I'd been witnessing emotional intelligence, both high and low, my entire life. I just hadn't had the language to describe what I was seeing.
If you'd asked me back then if EI mattered, I probably would have said something vague about "people skills" and moved on. Technical competence, knowledge, experience, those were the things that mattered for leadership, right?
Wrong. So incredibly wrong.
What I Didn't Know I Didn't Know
"The ability to manage those emotions in a way that actually helped me be more effective rather than less."
Early in my career, I was very emotionally driven. If something frustrated me, you knew it. If I disagreed with a decision, my face told the whole story before my mouth even opened. I thought passion and authenticity meant wearing your heart on your sleeve and letting people know exactly how you felt in every moment.
I wasn't entirely wrong about the authenticity part, but I was missing a crucial element: the ability to manage those emotions in a way that actually helped me be more effective rather than less.
I've worked very hard over the years to improve my emotional intelligence, even though at the beginning of that journey I didn't really know that's what I was doing. I just knew that some approaches worked better than others, and I needed to figure out why.
The Hardest Lesson: Sometimes You're Not the Right Messenger
This one hit me hard, and honestly, it still stings sometimes.
There have been two situations in my career where I realized I wasn't the right person to have certain conversations, no matter how much knowledge or expertise I had.
The first involved a person in a leadership role who could not and would not take any conversation with me well. They had a skewed view of me based on who hired me and who I worked for. It didn't matter if I told them they were exactly correct about something, they would find a way to disagree anyway.
The pattern became clear: if I made any recommendation, the opposite would be the chosen direction. Even when I had all the knowledge and information to assist in decision-making, if the data came from me, the opposite of my recommendation would become the new direction. Even to the detriment of the entire organization.
I had to find someone else to deliver the message. Someone they could actually hear.
That was a massive ego hit. I knew I could have the conversation. I knew I had the knowledge and abilities. But I had to accept that no matter what I said or how I said it, there were people who wouldn't engage with it because of who was delivering it.
The lesson? Some people work with pure emotions. They didn't care that I had the information they wanted. They wanted to get it from someone else, even if what they were told was incorrect.
The second situation was equally frustrating but taught me a different lesson about picking your battles. I realized someone had been taking credit for work I'd done and presenting it as their own. I discovered this when someone from outside our organization mentioned a project I was working on, but with completely skewed facts.
When I started explaining the discrepancies, I was basically told I didn't understand my co-worker's thought process. The pattern had been developing for years, I'd hear answers about projects I was working on coming from different sources, and they were only partially correct.
I could have beat my head against the wall attempting to correct the "wrong" I felt. But decisions were already made. Minds were made up. My energy was best spent moving on to new projects and waiting for reality to strike.
And eventually, it did.
Empathy vs. Sympathy: The Game Changer
"That shift from sympathy to empathy changed everything."
Learning the difference between empathy and sympathy was another huge hurdle, but this time in a purely positive way.
The biggest impact of understanding this distinction has been in my work as the Human Resources person. Long ago, I would feel horrible, almost guilty, for holding someone accountable and having a discussion or issuing discipline.
It took me a long time to realize that I was having misguided feelings of sympathy for the person and what they were going through. They didn't want to take responsibility for their actions and assigned blame to me, so I went along with it emotionally.
Finally, I realized that whatever behavior was being modified, I wasn't the one who did something inappropriate or wrong. I was the one picking up the pieces and figuring out how to make it work. Their choice of behavior was theirs and only theirs to own.
That shift from sympathy to empathy changed everything. Now I can genuinely understand that someone might be going through a difficult time while still holding them accountable for their actions and performance. I can care about them as a person while maintaining professional standards.
Empathy says, "I understand this is hard for you, and I'm going to help you figure out how to succeed anyway." Sympathy says, "Oh, poor you, let me lower the bar so you feel better."
One builds capability and respect. The other builds resentment and dysfunction.
The Skills That Changed My emotional intelligence Leadership
As I've built my emotional intelligence skills, everything has improved. I understand far more. I'm able to learn more. I'm able to relate more to other people.
Self-awareness has been foundational. Understanding how my messages are perceived, recognizing when my emotions are driving my reactions, knowing when I need to step back and breathe before responding, these aren't soft skills. They're the skills that determine whether I'm effective or just creating more problems.
Social awareness has helped me read the room, understand team dynamics, and recognize when something's wrong before it becomes a crisis. It's helped me understand different perspectives better because I'm actually listening to understand rather than listening to respond.
Relationship management has enabled me to navigate complex stakeholder situations, build trust with my team, and handle difficult conversations more effectively. I gain more diverse perspectives, which allows me to make better decisions.
Self-management means I react less emotionally, so I can be more consistent, reliable, and helpful to my team. When a crisis hits, they know I'm going to show up steady rather than adding my own emotional chaos to the situation.
The Reality of Low EI
"This person proved to be completely oblivious to reality."
I think the most interesting story about emotional intelligence I can think of involves a person who told me they didn't need any training on emotional intelligence because they were "a professional at it."
At the same time, members of their team spent most of their time working around this person and rolling their eyes at them.
This person proved to be completely oblivious to reality. They were unable to complete basic functions of their position but refused to acknowledge how that lack of ability affected the entire team. They talked over everyone they came across, but because nobody bothered to try to interrupt them anymore, they assumed everyone must be interested in what they had to say.
Their low emotional intelligence created dysfunction that rippled through the entire organization. Projects were delayed. Team morale suffered. Good employees became frustrated and disengaged.
And the person at the center of it all? Still convinced they were excellent at reading people and managing relationships.
That's the thing about low emotional intelligence, often the people who need to develop it most are the ones who think they've already mastered it.
Why This Isn't "Soft"
Here's what drives me crazy: the term "soft skills." It makes emotional intelligence sound optional. Nice to have. Fluffy.
Emotional intelligence isn't soft. It's the hardest work you'll do as a leader, and it has the most significant impact on your effectiveness.
Technical skills might get you into a leadership role, but emotional intelligence is what makes you successful in that role. You can be the smartest person in the room with the best ideas, but if you can't manage yourself, read others, build relationships, and navigate complex interpersonal dynamics, your technical brilliance won't matter.
I've watched technically brilliant people flame out in leadership roles because they couldn't connect with their teams, couldn't manage their own emotions under pressure, or couldn't navigate the political realities of organizational life.
I've also watched people with average technical skills become exceptional leaders because they understood people, built strong relationships, and created environments where their teams could thrive.
The Practical Payoff
Developing your emotional intelligence isn't about becoming a pushover or avoiding difficult conversations. It's about becoming more effective at everything you do as a leader.
With stronger EI, you can:
Have difficult conversations more productively
Build trust faster with your team and stakeholders
Navigate conflict without creating lasting damage
Make better decisions by considering more perspectives
Stay steady during crises when everyone else is losing it
Recognize when you're not the right messenger and adjust accordingly
Hold people accountable while maintaining positive relationships
Read situations accurately and respond appropriately
These capabilities directly impact your results. They affect retention, productivity, innovation, and organizational culture. They determine whether people follow you because they have to or because they want to.
Where to Start
If you're reading this thinking, "Maybe I should work on my emotional intelligence," here's where to start:
Get assessed. Take an actual EI assessment like the one from Emotional Intelligence 2.0. You can't improve what you don't measure, and you probably have blind spots you don't even know about.
Ask for feedback. Ask people you trust how you show up. How do people experience your leadership? What do they see that you might not?
Practice self-awareness. Start noticing your emotional triggers. What situations consistently push your buttons? What happens in your body before you react poorly? The more you understand your patterns, the more choice you have in how to respond.
Work on one thing at a time. Don't try to overhaul everything at once. Pick one aspect of EI to focus on and work on it deliberately until it becomes more natural.
Get help if you need it. Working with a coach on emotional intelligence isn't admitting weakness. It's investing in the skills that will make you more effective in every aspect of your leadership.
Your Leadership Superpower
"Leadership isn't about systems and processes and technical expertise. It's about people."
Emotional intelligence isn't some trendy buzzword that'll be replaced by the next management fad. It's the foundation of effective leadership, and it always has been, we just didn't have a name for it.
The leaders you admire most? The ones who seem to navigate complexity effortlessly, build loyal teams, and consistently achieve results? I guarantee they have high emotional intelligence, whether they call it that or not.
You can develop this. I did, and I'm still working on it. It's not about being perfect or never having emotional reactions. It's about understanding yourself well enough to manage those reactions, understanding others well enough to build strong relationships, and developing the skills to navigate the messy, complicated, human parts of leadership.
Because at the end of the day, leadership isn't about systems and processes and technical expertise. It's about people. And if you can't understand people, starting with yourself, you're going to struggle no matter how smart or capable you are.
Your emotional intelligence is your leadership superpower. Time to start developing it.
What aspects of emotional intelligence have you worked on developing? What's been your biggest challenge or breakthrough? Share your experiences in the comments, I'd love to hear your EI journey.
As always, carry social kindness with you everywhere you go. The world needs you and your positive mindset!
Connect With Me
If you want to consult on training or coaching for your team, please reach out.
269-621-5282
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