Finding Your Boundaries: The Leadership Skill Nobody Teaches

linnearader
Oct 13
7 min read

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Let me tell you something that nobody warns you about when you step into leadership: if you don't set boundaries, other people will set them for you. And trust me, you're not going to like the boundaries they choose.

"When you don't set clear boundaries, you're handing over control of your life to people who don't have the same investment in your well-being that your family does."

This is part of my "Finding Your..." series. We've talked about finding your why and finding your community. Today we're diving into something that might be even more critical to your survival as a leader: finding your boundaries.

The Reality Nobody Mentions

Four people dining around a candlelit table, taking photos and enjoying food. Warm lighting, vibrant vegetables, a cozy atmosphere. — Emails during dinner when boundaries aren't set

You spend more time with your coworkers than with your family. Think about that for a second. You're at work at least 40 hours per week, not counting commute time. You get home, handle whatever needs handling, crash into bed, and wake up to do it all again. Your active, awake hours during the workweek are spent with people you work with, not the people you chose to build a life with.

That's not a judgment, it's just reality. But here's where it gets dangerous: when you don't set clear boundaries, you're handing over control of your life to people who don't have the same investment in your well-being that your family does.

Without boundaries, work bleeds into everything. Emails during dinner. Calls during your kid's soccer game. Lying awake at 2 AM stressing about tomorrow's meeting. Canceling plans because someone at work "really needs" you. Missing your life because you're always "on."

And the worst part? Nobody forced you into this. You did it to yourself by not drawing clear lines about what's acceptable and what isn't.

The "Give an Inch" Problem

"You taught people that your boundaries were suggestions, not requirements."

Here's something I've learned the hard way: if you give an inch, someone will take a mile. And honestly? It's not always malicious. Most people aren't plotting to take advantage of you. They're just human beings naturally pushing boundaries to see what they can get away with.

It's like kids testing bedtime rules, they're not evil, they're just seeing how far the fence extends. The problem is, once you start moving that fence, everyone notices.

One person shows up ten minutes late and you let it slide? Suddenly half your team thinks punctuality is optional. You answer emails at 10 PM a few times? Now people expect you to be available around the clock. You work through lunch consistently? Your team learns that dedicated break time is just a suggestion.

Here's what drives me crazy: leaders who give that inch, watch it turn into a mile, and then act shocked and betrayed when their entire life is consumed by work. You set the precedent! You taught people that your boundaries were suggestions, not requirements.

What Boundaries Actually Look Like

Boundaries aren't about being difficult or inflexible. They're about being clear about what you can sustainably give without burning out or sacrificing what matters most.

Here are some boundaries I've had to learn to set and still struggle with at times:

Time Boundaries: Work ends at a specific time unless there's a genuine emergency. And no, someone's poor planning doesn't constitute your emergency. I check email during work hours and I’m doing far better not continuing to check it all night long. I either take my lunch break or account for it. I don't apologize for having a life outside of work.

Emotional Boundaries: I care about my team, but I'm not their therapist or their parent. I can be empathetic without absorbing everyone's problems as my own. I can support people without fixing everything for them.

Responsibility Boundaries: I own my decisions and their consequences. But I don't own other people's choices or feelings. If someone's upset because I held them accountable, that's not my burden to carry.

Communication Boundaries: I try to not respond to work communications outside of work hours except in true emergencies, I’m doing better on this one than I have in the past, but it’s still a struggle. I don't engage with inflammatory or disrespectful messages until I've had time to respond professionally. I don't continue conversations that have become unproductive.

The Guilt Trap

Setting boundaries makes people feel guilty — Setting boundaries can make you feel guilty

"Setting boundaries doesn't make you selfish or lazy or uncommitted. It makes you sustainable."

The hardest part about setting boundaries isn't the logistics, it's the guilt.

You'll feel guilty saying no. You'll feel guilty leaving on time when others are staying late. You'll feel guilty not responding to that text immediately. You'll feel guilty prioritizing your family dinner over someone's non-urgent request.

Let me save you some time: that guilt is lying to you.

Setting boundaries doesn't make you selfish or lazy or uncommitted. It makes you sustainable. You can't lead effectively if you're exhausted, resentful, and disconnected from the people and activities that give your life meaning.

The leaders who last, the ones who build strong teams and maintain their effectiveness over decades, aren't the ones who sacrifice everything for work. They're the ones who protect their capacity to show up consistently over the long haul.

Teaching Others How to Treat You

Here's a truth that took me way too long to learn: you teach people how to treat you.

If you consistently prioritize work over everything else, you're teaching your team that's what you expect from them too. If you never say no, you're teaching people that your time has no value. If you accept disrespectful behavior, you're teaching others that disrespect is acceptable.

The boundaries you set (or don't set) create the culture around you. Your team is watching. They're learning what's expected and what's acceptable based on what you tolerate and what you model.

Want a team that respects work-life balance? Model it. Want people who communicate professionally? Require it. Want staff who take ownership of their work? Stop rescuing them from every consequence.

The "But I'm the Leader" Excuse

I hear this all the time: "But I'm the leader, I have to be available. I have to set the example. I have to work harder than everyone else."

I’m calling B.S. No. You have to be effective. And you can't be effective if you're running yourself into the ground.

Yes, leadership sometimes requires extra hours. Yes, there are genuine emergencies. Yes, there are busy seasons where normal boundaries flex a bit. But that's different from making martyrdom your default setting.

Being a leader means making strategic decisions about where your time and energy create the most value. Sometimes that's staying late to finish a critical project. Sometimes it's going home on time so you're fresh for tomorrow's important meeting. Sometimes it’s working from home to keep the interruptions at a minimum and clear the backlog. Sometimes it's saying no to a request so you can say yes to something more important.

Starting Small (Because Going Cold Turkey Is Brutal)

"Stick with that one boundary until it becomes normal. Then add another."

If you've been operating without boundaries for a while, don't try to fix everything at once. Start small. Pick one boundary that would make the biggest difference in your life and commit to it.

Maybe it's not checking email after 7 PM. Maybe it's taking your full lunch break three times a week. Maybe it's delegating tasks you've been hoarding. Maybe it's speaking up when someone's tone crosses a line.

Stick with that one boundary until it becomes normal. Then add another. And another. You're not trying to become rigid and inflexible, you're trying to create sustainable patterns that protect your capacity to lead well over the long term.

The Pushback Is Coming

Here's what nobody tells you: when you start setting boundaries, some people will push back. They'll be confused, frustrated, or even angry. They'd gotten used to unlimited access to you, and now you're changing the rules.

Let them be upset. Their temporary discomfort is not your responsibility to fix.

The people who respect you will adjust. The high performers on your team will probably be relieved because they want boundaries too. And the people who are genuinely upset about your boundaries? That tells you something important about their expectations and their relationship with you.

What You're Actually Protecting

Group of five people smiling outdoors; two men with beards, two women, and a boy in a cap. They're in front of a beige house. Sunny day mood. — Setting boundaries lets you be present with your family

Boundaries aren't about being selfish. They're about protecting your capacity to show up as your best self in all areas of your life.

When you set boundaries, you're protecting your health. Your relationships. Your ability to be present with your kids. Your mental clarity. Your creativity. Your long-term effectiveness as a leader.

You're also modeling for your team what healthy leadership looks like. You're showing them that you can be committed to excellent work without sacrificing your humanity. You're teaching them that sustainable success is better than burnout.

The Daily Practice

Every day, you'll face choices about boundaries. Someone will ask for "just five minutes" at 4:31 PM. A crisis will feel urgent but actually isn't. You'll be tempted to skip lunch to power through your to-do list.

In those moments, ask yourself: Is this sustainable? Am I making this choice from clarity or from guilt? What am I teaching others by saying yes to this? What am I saying no to if I say yes here?

Your boundaries are only as strong as your daily commitment to maintaining them.

You Get to Choose

"You get to decide what you're willing to give and what you need to protect."

Here's the bottom line: if you don't protect your time, your energy, and your life outside of work, no one else will. It's not your employer's job, your team's job, or your boss's job to care about your boundaries. It's yours.

You get to decide what you're willing to give and what you need to protect. You get to decide what sustainable leadership looks like for you. You get to design a life where excellent work and personal well-being coexist.

But only if you're willing to set the boundaries that make it possible.

What boundaries do you struggle most to maintain? What would change if you actually protected your time and energy? Share your thoughts in the comments.

As always, carry social kindness with you everywhere you go. The world needs you and your positive mindset!