If You Don’t Like the Relationship, Change It: Lessons from the Negotiating Table

linnearader
1 day ago
4 min read

Today we started Union Negotiations. (The day I wrote this anyways!)

As I sit at home after a full day of “regular” work followed by an hour and a half of negotiations, I can’t help but reflect on how much things have changed. This isn’t my first rodeo—by my count, this is the fourth contract I’ve helped negotiate for my organization.

The View from the Table: What’s Different?

While some of the logistics are the same, nearly everything else feels different, not necessarily from the last round of negotiations, but from the first ones I sat in on. Here’s what’s changed:

Who I’m sitting at the table with
There’s no lawyer seated beside me (more on that in a moment)
The tone is more informal and collaborative
The overall feeling around the organization
Oh—and it’s not snowing for once

Let’s start with that small word: with. I’m not sitting across from the union anymore; I’m sitting with them. That mindset shift says it all.

Then vs. Now: A Shift in Process and Perspective

In the distant past, the atmosphere surrounding negotiations was tense. Adversarial. We’d gear up mentally and emotionally for battle. Lawyers spoke for us. Interactions were cold and guarded. I used to dread these meetings. And if you know me, you know playing the “stern and stoic” role is not something that comes naturally.

While formality has been decreasing gradually, negotiation after negotiation, this year we started by reviewing the contract together, section by section, just to see how far apart we really were. There was a conversation. There were questions. There was… respect. Not agreement on everything—but respect.

People, Not Positions: The Power of Human Change

So, what changed?

If I polled the room, many would point to a specific person who's no longer involved. But the truth is far less one-sided. That person may have been part of the story, but this wasn’t one person’s doing. It never is.

Relationships Are Two-Way Streets

Somewhere along the way, we stopped seeing each other as enemies. I think back to stories about the “good old days” when labor and management worked well together. Then something shifted. Mistrust grew. People on both sides started preparing for conflict instead of connection. There was a constant feeling of us vs. them. We created distance—and filled it with suspicion.

How It Got Better: Risk, Respect, and Rebuilding Trust

We may joke on occasion that we are a mildly dysfunctional family, but at least we are still family. — We are still a family

Eventually, though, someone took a risk. Maybe it was a small comment. A kind gesture. A willingness to listen instead of defend. Then another person matched that energy. And little by little, things began to thaw.

People changed. New faces came in. Some left. But more than that, attitudes changed. The behavior changed. And when that happened, so did the relationship.

Today, we still have hard conversations. We still hold people accountable. But we talk like humans. We try to understand. And when we don’t agree? We have a process for that. Disagreements are no longer personal attacks. We’re not perfect, but we’re better. And that matters.

We have built a family. My co-workers and I are there for each other when things go bad, and we are there to share a laugh and joke when it’s going well. When I look back on the changes, this is probably my favorite part. We may joke on occasion that we are a mildly dysfunctional family, but at least we are still family.

Why This Matters—To Everyone

Here’s the point: Relationships—professional or personal—don’t fix themselves. They evolve when someone chooses to show up differently. And yes, it’s hard. Especially when you’re convinced the other party is the problem. But relationships are not math equations; they’re reflections. When we change, the dynamic often changes too.

If you’re in a relationship that isn’t serving you, ask yourself:

What’s my role in this dynamic?
Have I communicated clearly?
Have I assumed the worst instead of asking questions?
Am I showing up with defensiveness or with openness?

If the answer to any of those is uncomfortable—good. That’s where change starts.

Sometimes relationships shift just by showing up differently. Sometimes they require new boundaries, new conversations, or even new people. But here’s the truth: you are not stuck.

We’re living proof that even the most adversarial, long-standing tension can be replaced with something healthier. It didn’t happen overnight—but it happened. And it started with people who were willing to see things differently.

What relationship in your life—professional or personal—needs a reset?

If a relationship in your life—personal or professional—isn’t serving you, take a step back and ask yourself: What can I do to shift this dynamic? Sometimes that means changing your mindset. Sometimes it means adjusting your behavior. And yes, sometimes it means changing who you engage with altogether.

Relationships don’t fix themselves. They change when you do.

✨ Start the conversation. Reflect honestly. And don’t be afraid to lead the change.

What’s one relationship you’re ready to improve? Let me know in the comments—or better yet, take one small step today.