Addressing the Elephant in the Room: A Guide to Tackling Difficult Conversations

The elephant in the room.

We've all been there: that uncomfortable silence in a meeting when everyone knows there's an issue no one wants to address. The sideways glances when two managers clearly can't work together effectively. The collective sigh when a difficult topic is once again pushed to "next time." In organizations of all sizes, these unaddressed issues—the proverbial elephants in the room—can silently damage culture, productivity, and results.

Whether you're a team leader, manager, or employee navigating workplace dynamics, learning to address these difficult conversations isn't just helpful, it's essential for organizational health. This guide will help you understand why we avoid these crucial discussions, what it costs us when we do, and how to skillfully navigate them when the time comes.

The Elephant in the Room: When Leaders Don't Communicate

Two well respected, senior level managers of an organization cannot communicate with each other. Maybe cannot is the wrong word. Communication is all about effort and neither puts in the effort necessary to have effective conversations. So, what happens? Their communication or lack thereof becomes the elephant in the room.

Neither party is satisfied with their relationship or communication, but neither can, nor will, fix it. All other members of the organization that report to either of them or work directly with them, are collateral damage because the lack of effective communication results in wasted time and effort; different team members working on projects to get halfway through (or even further) to find out that the work they have done is unnecessary or cancelled. The constant redirection of focus and priority have everyone’s heads spinning and frustration mounting.

Top 5 Reasons Why Difficult Conversations Are Avoided

The proverbial Elephant in the Room. The situations that everyone knows are going on, but nobody wants to, or can, address. These are never easy. Why is it that these are never easy? If everyone knows they are there, why aren’t they handled right away? There are lots of reasons, but here are what I consider to be the top 5:

1.       Fear of Conflict. Most people, even leaders, are not fans of conflict. Sometimes the word “fear” puts people on the defensive, so you can call it conflict adverse, conflict avoidance, call it what you want, but the issue remains, we avoid these conversations because we don’t like the conflict that MAY arise from having it.

2.       Uncertain Outcomes. Conversations relating to the elephant are hard to predict. Will you present the information in a non-emotionally driven, factual way that is well received by the other person or people? There are a lot of factors in that one sentence (and the actual actions) that are unpredictable. You can certainly plan your part of the conversation, but you have zero control over other’s reactions and behaviors. This lack of control drives uncertainty and drives MOST people away from wanting to have the conversation.

3.       Power Dynamics. Where in your organizational hierarchy does the elephant exist? Is it conflict between two managers? Is it a situation that exists in your Senior level management like the example above? When the elephant exists above your level in the organization’s hierarchy, it’s a situation that takes great care and delicacy to navigate.

4.       Social Norms. Has the elephant become normalized in your organization? Has the elephant existed so long that it has become engrained in your organizational culture? This happens. It’s unfortunate that it happens, but it does happen. Once that occurs, addressing the elephant is increasingly difficult. Does that mean it shouldn’t be addressed? Absolutely not, but it’s going to be a challenge and will take deliberate and careful consideration.

5.       Relationships. As partners, co-workers, and leaders in organizations, we have built relationships. Addressing situations has the potential to cause conflict as mentioned already as well as stirring up emotions. Most people don’t like hurting other people’s feelings.

With all these reasons not to have conversations about the elephant in the room, why do you have the conversation at all? If the conversations are that difficult and cause that much anxiety or potential problems, why not just let these situations go and continue letting them evolve on their own?

The Hidden Costs of Conversation Avoidance

Unfortunately, as difficult as these conversations may be with the elephant in the room situations, there’s a cost of avoidance. As a leader and member of the team, each person must weigh the cost of avoidance with the reasons to have/not have the conversation and then make a decision.

The cost of avoiding difficult conversations is substantial. Again, there are a lot of costs involved, so I’ll just outline the those that I see as the top five.

1.       Growing Tension and Resentment

2.       Decreased Focus and Productivity

3.       Erosion of Trust and Authenticity

4.       Missed Opportunities for Growth and Innovation

5.       Escalation of the Original Problem

Growing Tension and Resentment

To explain growing tension and resentment, I’ll provide the following characters:

• The person or situation viewed as “at fault” or “causing” the difficult conversation we will refer to as “Conflict.”

• The person or people affected by the conflict; we will refer to as “Affected.”

• The leader who is avoiding the conversation will be referred to as “Leader.”

Avoided conversations cause tension and resentment to build between all involved. Conflict often knows something is going on but doesn’t know the root cause. MOST people go to work every day to do a good job. MOST people don’t go to cause problems. Conflict may not know their action (or lack of) is causing turmoil within the organization. Likely, if they did, they would fix it.

Meanwhile, those considered Affected are, well…affected. They see the behavior or situation from a different perspective and are frustrated by it. They blame Conflict and often feel Conflict should know what is going on and that they should fix it. In addition, they feel Leader should be addressing it.

Leader is sitting back wishing the whole thing would just go away. Leader doesn’t want to address the situation because of all the reasons for avoidance listed already.

Conflict feels the growing tension and is frustrated by not knowing what the situation is. Tension is growing between Conflict and Affected while Affected is resenting Leader’s lack of action.

Decreased Focus and Productivity

When a member of the team “gets away” with behaviors that are not addressed, co-workers won’t feel their efforts are recognized or worth the effort. Productivity will fall and the focus of the employees will be on what other individuals or groups are or are NOT doing instead of focusing on business, sales, strategy, improvement, etc....

Again, think of your own situations. If someone you work with is not acting in accordance with organizational expectations, but the lack of performance isn’t addressed, why would you continue working so hard to make sure you are? By not having difficult conversations, the negative behavior will not only continue but will likely spread.

Erosion of Trust and Authenticity

When difficult conversations or elephants are avoided within an organization, the organization culture becomes one of secrecy, fear and suppressed feedback. The feeling (or actuality) of issues being swept under the rug by not addressing them makes employees feel that their concerns are not taken seriously. This feeling causes a loss of trust in the leadership of an organization.

With this culture of avoidance, employees will feel discouraged from having open and honest conversations. Fear of speaking up will become the norm and effective communication will dwindle. This fear will also cause a decrease in authenticity as employees in these situations are far more likely to play politics or avoid accountability, further damaging the organizational culture. Authenticity is further eroded by preventing employees from receiving constructive feedback which would otherwise provide for their growth and development.

Missed Opportunities for Growth and Innovation

The erosion of trust and authenticity will grow, and cause missed opportunities for growth and innovation. The lack of open communication will snowball into lack of innovation and stagnation within the organization. Perpetual avoidance of conversations that NEED to occur will stifle communication to the point that the free flow of information and insights, the crucial components of innovation, will no longer exist.

Escalation of the Original Problem

Not having a difficult conversation when the need arises doesn’t make the problem go away. Even if the problem exits the organization, another comparable situation will take its place. Avoiding the difficult conversation or elephant in the room will cause the escalation of the initial issue. The escalation will result in a larger, more widespread concern that will take more to address overall.

Again, let’s look at this from our own perspective, you have an employee who grumbles about their daily job assignment. Day one, not a big deal, they grumble about it, and do it, day over. The next day, the grumbling gets louder. Instead of voicing their displeasure to their boss, they now are voicing it to their closest co-workers. Day three they voice their displeasure to the entire room and two other employees, who used to be satisfied with their job assignments, are now complaining too.

If allowed to continue, this problem won’t be a single conversation. The perpetually negative, grumbling employee will have drug a handful of their co-workers into the trench with them. Now instead of having one conversation, the leader will have to have many conversations with many different people and will have a lot of negativity to dispel to get through it.

This is a simple and over simplified example of this situation, but you can likely identify similar situations that have occurred within your work and personal life.

5 Strategies for Successfully Addressing Difficult Conversations

We’ve covered why difficult conversations are often avoided as well as the reason’s we shouldn’t avoid them. Now I’ll give you some tips and tricks for how to have difficult conversations and address the elephant in the room.

Prepare for the Conversation

• Ensure you understand your goals and intentions with the conversation that is about to occur. What do you want the outcome to be and are you approaching the conversation from the best mindset?

• Consider the other person’s perspective and how they may feel about the situation.

• Choose an appropriate time and place for the conversation. Would the conversation be better accepted in a neutral location? Or in your office vs theirs? Would it be better on a job site? Is it better that the employee has time to process at work or after (early, mid, or late day conversation)?

• Plan your initial statements. While you do not want to have your entire conversation scripted, planning out your starting point will help get the conversation going in the right direction.

• Anticipate potential reactions and think through how you can respond. While you won’t be able to anticipate every possibility, planning or considering possibilities will help you get through the conversation.

  
  

Create Psychological Safety

• Do not make any accusations or use accusatory language. Accusations put people on the defensive and will hinder potential progress.

• Exhibit genuine curiosity about the other person’s perspective. You may not have considered how or why the situation came to be or the actions that are being taken. There may be a good reason.

• Acknowledge your role or contribution no matter how small.

• Focus on shared goals and growth.

Utilize the Right Approach

• Be direct and respectful.

• Focus on specific behaviors and situations. Make sure your statements and responses do not imply any character flaws.

• When expressing your feelings, utilize “I” statements.

• Avoid using words like always or never as they are absolutes and seldom accurate.

• Utilize open ended questions to invite an open and honest conversation about the situation(s).

  
  

Utilize Active Listening

• Do more listening than talking.

• Even if you disagree with the other person, validate their emotions. Utilize language like “I can see that you’re frustrated.” Understand that their emotions are valid to them and in turn need to be at least validated by you.

• Ensure you understand the conversation by paraphrasing what you’ve heard.

• Be open to changing your perspective depending on what comes from the conversation.

Work Towards Solutions

• Work together to determine the next steps. Do not dictate but work together to ensure ownership of the solution.

• Find areas of common ground or areas of agreement to build upon.

• Remember that leadership and management are not democracies so even though you are working together for a solution, you are the leader, and the solution must address the situation fully to your satisfaction.

• Set clear expectations and plan for regular follow-up.

Moving Forward: Practice Makes Progress

While utilizing these tools will increase the chances of success, be ready for the potential aftermath. You may find there’s an emotional response or reaction a day or even a week following the conversation. Be prepared, it may take time for the employee to fully process the situation. In addition, addressing the situation may take multiple conversations to ensure overall success. And, if at first you don’t succeed, it’s ok to utilize a mediator or ask for help.

Having difficult conversations isn’t fun, there’s no doubt about that. However, with practice and patience, they aren’t as bad as they are made out to be. Addressing situations as quickly as possible will lessen stress and potential impacts.

Your Challenge: Address the Elephant This Week

Now comes the hard part—putting these strategies into action. This week, I challenge you to:

1. Identify one "elephant" in your workplace that needs addressing.

2. Block 30 minutes on your calendar to prepare using the strategies outlined above.

3. Schedule the conversation within the next two weeks

4. Afterward, reflect on what went well and what you might do differently next time.

   
   

Remember, becoming skilled at difficult conversations is like building any muscle—it takes practice and consistency. Even if your first attempt isn't perfect, you've already surpassed those who choose avoidance. Your team and organization will be stronger for your courage.

What elephants have you confronted or difficult conversations have you been involved in? Are you avoiding one right now? If so, what is your why for avoiding it? Share your thoughts in the comments or reach out if you need support taking that first step.

As always, carry social kindness with you everywhere you go. The world needs you and your positive mindset!

Connect With Me

If you want to consult on training or coaching for your team, please reach out.

Linnea@leadwithlinnea.com

269-621-5282